what was i thinking?!

This winter has been particularly cold and dark.

I have had a hard time getting warm at night, in spite of my electric mattress heater being set on MAX. When I finally am able to sleep comfortably, I have been having a hard time making myself get out of bed and walk around in the cold, dark world in the morning.

Yup! morning in my bathroom reminds me of a meat locker....

So the other morning as I was snuggled under the covers, cuddling with my favorite guy something just didn't seem right. I gave my head a little shake and tried to pull myself out of the deep fog of sleep. At first I thought it was just a bad dream but then I realized the noise was coming from outside my bedroom window and it was WAKING ME UP!

I wasn't ready to wake up and I was quite irritated by the noise and grumpd to myself, "Stupid Bird! Shut up, you stupid bird!"

Suddenly I was wide awake! What was I thinking? If there was a bird singing outside my window, chances are it was NOT 40 degrees below 0 outside. Birds don't sing when it's 40 below; birds don't sing at all in the cold, dark winter. The birds leave town!

There actually might be a light at the end of this cold, dark tunnel.

Sing on! little bird. I'm glad you're back!

"mom"isms

I am a mom! I've been a mom for so long, I can't remember when I wasn't. There was a time when I wanted to be SUPERMOM.

I'm pretty much over that phase. I have both feet planted firmly on the ground and I can see very clearly that I'm just a plain old fashioned mother; I love my kids (and the kids they've married). I wish for their happiness and success everyday.

Best of all, I love giving FREE ADVICE. I can't do much about what really goes on in their lives. I usually can't kiss it better or make it all go away but I can ADVISE!

This past week has been hectic when I think about all the advice I've been doling out. And the surprising thing I realized was that practically every tidbit of wisdom had somethng to do with the head.

1. Don't lose your head.

2. Keep your head down and do what you need to do.

3. Gotta keep your head up to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

4. Use your head.

and finally; when Sara and Ben were evacuated because of the tsunami....

5. Keep your head above water, guys!

I LOVE my job!

regarding my confession

I am having a little fun reflecting on my own silliness these days. With all the children grown and on their own, I have had time to take a look at myself and basically I like what I see. Occasionally, I will have one of those "ah ha" moments and realize that I've been struggling with an issue for a long time. Some of those moments have happened in the last few weeks as I realized that I have always been a worrier; I often have too much good advice to share; and I'm basically lazy and disorganized. I have good intentions but just never quite get the big projects started (or finished for that matter). I also cut my own hair, nibble hangnails, scratch at scabs, and definitely can't leave a zit to run its full course. I have been trying to lose 10 pounds for 20YEARS!

My only recourse for these behaviors over the years has been to try and save my daughters the pains associated with these goofy things. The fact is I KNOW that alot of the goofy things I do or say are just that - GOOFY and I know I'd feel better if I could break these bad habits.

So over the years, as I recognized my own silliness in my own children, I did my best to discourage them from following in my crazy footsteps. "Don't cut your own hair" "Quit nibbling your nails" "Leave that alone" "EATHEALTHY" "exercise" "don't touch your face" "Just get started on that." "Finish what you start" and so on and so on and so on......

So this one's for my girls; I did the best I could and about the only thing I can say at this point as I've confessed and you've been disappointed is

I think I know we're all doing the best we can and I'm REALLY sorry about my contribution to your DNA.

I'm a mom. I love my kids. I love my life and I love how easy it is to just carry on, let things go

and eventually "get over it!"

my confession

I have been seeing the same hair stylist for a number of years now. His name is Joe and he is a big, burly guy with hands as big a frying pans and a personality to match. When I first went to see him, I was impressed with his confidence.

He has been doing hair now for over 40 years and he is GOOD! If I say I want a cut- he cuts my hair. If I ask him to do amazing things with color, he can do it. The bottles he uses to spray stuff on my hair are crushed flat because he holds them in his fist and uses his thumb to pump. Joe is probably an aggressive hairdresser; something I appreciate. I was always put off by skinny girls who were afraid to cut more than a centimeter at a time (in case I didn't like it). I'm almost fifty. If there's one thing I've learned is that even the worst haircut ever only needs about two weeks.

But here's the thing. I have fine hair; wispy and soft as the day I sprouted it. And when my bangs get too long I can't stand it. They flop in my face and get in the way. I think my bangs can even give me a headache when they are too long.

This is my confession: Over the years, I have often cut my own bangs between haircuts. It started when the skinny girls would never cut my bangs any shorter. I'd be in the chair and I'd say, "Could you cut the bangs a litle shorter, please?" Invariably the reply would be something to the effect that it wouldn't look good any shorter or I wouldn't really like them any shorter. So I'd walk out with my bangs too long and I KNEW even before I was out of the salon that I would have to cut them myself.

When I started seeing Joe I asked him to cut them a little shorter. He said if he cut them shorter they'd be TOO SHORT. The first few times, he was ok with it and he cut them too short for me. (because he's NOT afraid to cut) But when I started asking him to cut my bangs too short as a matter of the haircut: "just a little off the back and please cut my bangs too short", he put his foot down.

"I won't cut them too short but if they get too long before your next haircut, just walk in and I'll trim them; I promise."

Well that's entirely too easy and my life is too hectic and it would get to the point where I would say to myself I had to drop by the salon for Joe to trim my bangs but I would never really get there and then my bangs would be too long and then:

I WOULD CUT MY OWN HAIR!

At first I tried to play it dumb when Joe would ask if I'd cut my own hair..."uh, I can't remember."

Then I lied..."I had someone else trim it for me."

When he persisted in harassing me about it, I would explain..." I HAD to; it was an emergency and I couldn't come see you."

Finally, it got to where he'd simply ask "WHEN did you last cut your own hair?"

I thought things were going well, that Joe and I understood each other and that he had come to accept that I cut my own hair every once in a while. But the last time I went to see Joe he announced, " I won't do your hair anymore if you keep cutting it yourself." That's all he said and I panicked. I wasn't ready to start all over again with another hairdresser and I knew deep down I'd never find anyone as confident or talented as Joe.

So last week Wednesday when I got out of the shower and pulled out my special purchase "tweezerman" haircutting scissors I struggled with how I might explain it to Joe this time. And I couldn't think of anything he'd believe so I dried my hair, got dressed for work and drove over to the salon.

I walked in... Joe dropped everything he was doing and he cut my bangs! Go figure.

bloggers block

It's been a tough week. I think it all started when I burned myself TWICE last Sunday. (just peeling off the crusty scabs this morning).

I generally try to look for the good in everything and try really hard not to let life in general infringe on my perky, sassy attitude.

For those of you who don't know me well, that would be the glass half full! I pride myself on being able to see the bright side of anything.

But this week has been different.

I'm overwhelmed with worry and anxiety and wondering just how many nights in a row the "super sleep" supplement will really work...The bottle says that after six nights you should really consult a physician. What's that all about?! I live with a physician and when I consulted him, he told me to quit worrying and I'd sleep better. baha

So I'm hard pressed to find anything funny or light to blog about and it's kinda making me blue.

I worry a lot and usually can see how silly my worries are but this week has just slammed me. I am more thankful than ever for my family but really need some perspective to get back on the happy track.

First Sara and Co. got robbed when Angela and Dylan went to Hawaii to visit. That was definitely NOT on the itinerary and made a short visit less than relaxing. Travelling through four or five time zones for a long weekend just to lose your identity, your sunscreen (that's why they came home pink) and your pants (poor Dylan- what kind of robber steals pants?) definitely tops the list for bad vacations. Dylan and Angela were good sports however, spending one whole day driving around the north shore visiting creepy pawn shops in search of Sara's stolen engagement/wedding ring set. Apparently property crime on the north shore is not nearly as sexy as depicted on Hawaii Five O.

So I have been tired and I have been working hard at the office and I have been trying really hard to be a good mother to adult children and I was starting to relax a bit; understanding my limitations and determining to just do the best I can...

....when I got word that our good friend, Ladelle, was killed in a car accident coming home from Kalispel after a weekend of skiing with family.

Wally and I have known Ladelle for years and our two families have become quite intertwined through that time. Ladelle's mom, Lois works in our office for Dr. Rampling. She's been a friend and a support through all the ups and downs this family has experienced. Her husband Stan is a contractor who has done work on our house and he's employed my son and son-in-law over the years. We went to Ladelle's wedding just a couple of years ago where he married Candace who has also been a part of our family circle. Diana lived with Candace for a time and Angela had classes with Candace all through university. Learning of his unexpected and unnecessary death (charges are pending against the trucker who slammed into them) was just one more reason not to sleep well and question, question, question what this is all about!

So it's Sunday morning and I'm still just kind of numb and BLOCKED over how to be sassy and carefree after the week's events. So I've decided there's a list of things to be thankful for and perhaps that will help me get back in the swing of things.

1. I'm thankful for good kids and more thankful for the people my children have married! My girls are married to a collection of the 4 best men on the planet. These guys take goood care of my girls and love them no matter what. (even when they do dumb things) My son has married probably the nicest girl in town who manages him with a skill the other women in the family haven't quite figured out yet. She's awesome!

2. I'm thankful for a husband who reminds me all the time that I can't fix everything so worrying about it is probably a bad idea. He keeps me grounded.

3. I'm thankful for relationships that can survive family feuds, robbery, tradegy, foolishness and everything in between. We really only have each other.

4. I'm thankful Ladelle's wife, Candace, (pregnant with their first child) walked away from that horrific accident. I guess we can find that "half full" moment if we look for it.

5. And actually when it's all said and done, Diana's extreme pain and discomfort as a result of an irresponsible tanning booth attendant turns out to be a hiccup instead of something that will keep me up for nights on end; although I'm pretty sure it's keeping her up. Hang in there Sweet Pea! (can't you sue? you live in America for crying out loud! that's gotta be worth something.)

So it's Sunday morning and it's been a tough week but writing it down helps a bit with the BLOCK and the anixiety and the bucketful of emotions I have been struggling with.

I'll carry on....in no particular order

I'll keep going to work and working hard. I'll go to a funeral this week that will wear me out but I'll remember the happiness in this tragedy. I'll send Sara and Angela new ID and credit cards as they arrive. I'll feel bad for Diana and the sunburn. I'll think about Angela and Dylan moving in freezing rain and wish I was there to help (but deep down be glad i'm not) I'll text all my kids every day (because I can) to tell them I LOVE them. I'll be thinking of everything that's going on- students studying, people moving, people moving on and life just happening; mostly out of my control.

And I'm not going to worry about it.

heat!

I've got too much heat in my life. This morning before church I was pressing my husband's white shirt when I accidentally put my hand on the iron. HOT! I went into the bathroom to curl my hair, nursing my left hand with the red burn.

That's when I accidentally put the curling iron on my forehead! OUCH!

I'm done with heat today. I'm going to go have a cold cucumber sandwich.

falling again....

Yesterday I fell while cross country skiing. How does that even happen? I mean cross country skiing is a little like bowling with bumpers. You really can't go off the trail if you stay in the tracks...duh. I won't even go into how I found myself upright at the end of the day but all evidence points to a very patient husband. To add insult to injury, I lost my room key somewhere out there on the wilderness trail AND I got the mother of all blisters (ouch) on my right heel.

Today was supposed to be better.

We awoke to an absolutely picture perfect day with snow falling in our little mountain hide away. It was like being in a snow globe-like I said, picture perfect! Wally went off to his meetings early and said, "I'll be back at lunch and we can go try out the new snowshoes. I have been dying to try the new snowshoes since we got them just before Christmas. Snow shoeing is something I have been determined to master. Seriously, how hard can it be?

So I put bandaids and polysporin on my blister and tried to get into my nice warm, waterproof winterized hiking boots. (also brand new and waiting for an opportunity like today) NO GO!

The pain was unbearable and I couldn't even walk across the room, let alone up a snowy mountainside. I finally decided to put on my running shoes with extra socks and it worked. Snow shoe or BUST!

We geared up and headed out. The Snowshoe Trail is a beautiful hike up the side of the mountain, around and down again back to the Lodge. The trail was great, lots of fresh snow. The scenery was beautiful. You just can't beat the Rocky Mountains.

The hike was FUN.

That is until I fell......

The only reason that event was not captured on film is because the camera was in my pocket and Wally really didn't know what happened to me until it was over with.

I FELL OFF THE TRAIL- face first down the side of the mountain, poles and snowshoes flailing appropriately as I struggled to keep my head above water in about six feet of new snow. I "swam" back up to the trail and was climbing over the edge as Wally turned around and asked, "You ok back there? What are you doing?"

I think snow shoes are my choice of apparatus. Those little things that hook on to the shoes actually spin and make it easier to stand up unassisted. Thank goodness.

Tomorrow is another day. Bring on the spa!!